


Misfiring Fireworks

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-25
Updated: 2009-01-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 13:46:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12508784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: [Fic Exchange '08] Lily and Sirius, an odd, slightly explosive duo any other day of the year, find themselves with a common enemy: Professor Slughorn's holiday party.





	Misfiring Fireworks

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Merry Christmas, Kristin (lilkristin0o7)!

.

It was an easy proclamation: kill Slughorn.

As Sirius stares at Professor McGonagall, with Lily at his side, holding an incredibly incriminating firework in her hand, Sirius thinks for a moment how he landed here. It stems partly from his stupidity, partly from Lily's stupidity, partly from James' stupidity—but it all leads back to Slughorn.

Professor McGonagall's eyes, piercing and soul-eating as they are, make Sirius' tongue catch for a moment. But he thinks to himself, _"Man up, Black!"_ and opens his mouth, with absolutely no idea of what he's about to say.

\---

It was an easy proclamation: kill Slughorn.

Many hours earlier before Sirius would find himself locking eyes with his Transfiguration professor, he was contemplating the utter evilness that comprised the man known as Professor Slughorn.

Sirius thought he knew deviousness and trickery well; in his family, _toujours_ _pur_ was inextricably linked with _toujours riche_ and the only way you could stay rich through generations of pure-bred numskulls was with a sleight of the hand and deception.

But all of his family's teachings pale in comparison to Slughorn's cunning.

"That man is the devil incarnate," Sirius mutters to himself, staring down at the invitation in his hand. It reads in disgustingly curly letters:

 

_Dear Mr. Sirius Black,_

_I would be honored if you would join us for a holiday dinner at 8 o'clock. You may bring a guest if you wish._

_Sincerely,_

_Professor Slughorn_

 

"Funny," Remus says, somewhere beside him. "Could have sworn that's what some professors call you."

"That _mad_ little git! Look at this, Moony!" Sirius shoves the invitation under Remus' nose. "I can't go to this thing. I can't. You've got to help me. Assert your Prefect authority."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, Moony, tell him you're, you're protecting the peace. Minimizing casualties. Saving people from getting hors d'oeuvres thrown at them."

"A cheese pastry to the head would cause serious injuries," Remus agrees gravely. "But, er, I don't think I can do that."

Sirius sighs impatiently. "Suppose it's up to me then," he looks about the Great Hall restlessly. "What do I have to do to get myself kicked out? Maybe throw a Quaffle at his head, you think?"

There is a snicker near him. He turns and finds Evans sitting not too far away, a little smile on her face, and frowns at her.

"What?" he says. "Not _all_ of us enjoy going to these stupid little parties."

Lily's eyes narrow dangerously. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that, well, let's face it, Evans. You've got him pretty much wrapped around your finger."

"Sirius," Remus says warningly, but Sirius pays no heed. As always with Lily Evans, he can't help but return to the same, old question that has been asked since what feels like the Medieval Ages: why the _fuck_ does Prongs like her?

Lily only raises an eyebrow. "You think I'd want to spend my last day of term in Slughorn's office, chatting to a bunch of stuffy Ministry officials?"

"Er..."

"Well, I don't." Lily says irritably. "And if getting out of this party means chucking a Quaffle at him, then sign me up."

Now Sirius' eyes fly up. "Really, Evans?" he says.

Lily only shoots him a look, before returning to her breakfast. But Sirius, now slightly enticed by this declaration, slides over so that Lily is sitting directly in front of him.

"Are you telling me," he says slowly. "That Miss Evans—our little Gryffindor prefect would _want_ to be kicked out of Sluggy's party?"

Lily crosses her arms and surveys him coolly. She arches one slim, red eyebrow.

Sirius only laughs. "That may work on James," he says. "But that won't work on me. Anyway, it doesn't take a genius to call your bluff. You can say what you want, Evans, but you wouldn't chuck a Quaffle, let alone a pea, at Sluggy."

"Alright then," Lily says crisply. "You come up with an idea to get us kicked out and I'll do it with you."

Sirius fights to keep the surprise off his face. He thinks for a minute and then says, from nowhere, "Fireworks."

"What?"

"Fireworks." Sirius repeats. "I'll set off fireworks in Slughorn's office. That'll get me kicked out for a _lifetime._ "

Lily looks at him for a moment. "No," she says slowly. " _We'll_ set off fireworks in Slughorn's office."

Sirius only laughs. "Really, Evans?"

"Really, Black."

"Why would I do this with you?" Sirius asks, mostly of the ceiling. "I mean, what do I get out of it?"

"Hmm..." Lily says softly. "I'd hate for Slughorn to hear about your little firework plan."

Sirius' eyes snap back to hers. "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?" Lily leans in closer, her eyes flash, her smile wicked. "After all, he is so, as you put it, _wrapped around my finger_."

"Kidding," Sirius says immediately, laughing weakly. "Ha—I was only—why would you go tell Sluggy anything, Evans? Don't you want to do this prank with me?"

"Not particularly," Lily says, rising from her seat. "But Slughorn won't listen to any excuse I give him, so if this is my only way to get thrown out then...." Lily shrugs her shoulders blithely. "I guess I have no choice."

"That makes two of us," Sirius mutters darkly. Lily shoots a mocking, mean little smile at him and pats his head, as if to say, _there, there. I've completely manipulated and humiliated you, haven't I?_

Sirius wants to punch something.

\---

James wants to punch something.

"It's not fair," he says, flopped over on his bed. Neither Remus nor Peter looks up from their respective beds in the dorm. "Okay, so I cast a Sticking Charm to Slughorn's seat. Twice. That was, what, a month ago? Can't the man just get over it?"

"It was actually two weeks ago," Peter reminds him.

"Not the point," James says. "I mean, maybe all this shunning and ostracizing on Slughorn's part is causing me great psychological damage."

Peter and Remus briefly exchange glances.

"Yeah," James says, sitting up, missing their looks. "If anything, Sluggy should be _racing_ to give me an invitation. Y'know, to make up for the year of psychological trauma I've suffered."

"You've suffered something, all right," Remus mutters into his book.

"Why do you even want to go to his party anyway?" Peter says. "You always said they were boring."

"Well—I mean, they're alright," James says, suddenly averting his eyes. "They're not all bad. Sometimes, he's got, y'know, a Quidditch player or something he knows come in."

"Who's coming to this one?" Remus asks.

"People," James says vaguely. "Very, er, very fascinating people. It'll be a nice way of, of, making connections and meeting all sorts of, y'know, interesting charac—"

"Lily's going, isn't she?" Remus says flatly.

"Well—yes," James says, reddening. "As are, as I said, lots of other interesting charac—"

"Prongs."

"She _asked_ me if I was going, Moony." James says, dropping pretense. "And I _swear_ she looked disappointed when I said I wasn't."

"Wait, _she_ asked _you_?"

James nods vigorously. "It was in Charms. I said, all right Lily, and she said, all right James. And _then_ , she said—and I quote—are you going to Slughorn's party, to which I said no."

"That could mean a lot of things," Remus says slowly. "I think she was just making conversation."

James' eyebrows fall together, as if he had never contemplated that idea before. Then he blinks and shakes his head. "No, Moony. It was a subliminal message. She _wanted_ me to go."

"Prongs, I don't think Lily—"

"Okay, maybe 'wanted' is a bit of an extreme," James admits. "Let's go with 'would have mildly tolerated my presence had that fat bastard given me an invitation.'"

"Why don't you just ask for an invitation?" Peter says. "He'd love to have you, Sticking Charm or not."

"You think?" James asks, redirecting his attention to Peter. "You think that'd work?"

Peter shrugs. "Try it."

"I don't think Lily—" Remus tries again, but James has already stood up.

"Where'd Slughorn be? His office?"

"Probably."

James takes a deep breath and ruffles his hair. "Suppose I must really fancy her," he says softly; thankfully, no one hears.

\---

Sirius, having spent a bit of thought debating whether or not to tell James about the whole Evans thing, had finally landed on not saying a word, as James would undoubtedly tear out a few hairs in jealousy, when James comes to finds him, beaming.

"Guess what?" James says.

"Er...your parents have decided to add a few thousand Galleons to your inheritance?"

"No."

" _My_ parents have decided to add a few thousand Galleons to my inheritance," Sirius says, cracking a smile.

James grins. "Right. They've just got to finish feeding the Muggles out on the streets of London first."

"Hmm...you touched Mary Macdonald's breasts?"

"I got an invite to Slughorn's party!" James says, waving around a green invitation.

Sirius stares, opens his mouth, closes it. "You found a motorcycle and you're donating it to me?" he tries weakly.

"Pads, you prat," James says, affectionately flicking Sirius on the forehead with his forefinger and thumb, as he was prone to doing anytime Sirius said the word "motorcycle". "Don't you get it? This is brilliant!"

"How," Sirius whispers. "Is this _brilliant_?"

"Because!" James says excitedly. He leans in closer. "You've got an invitation. I've got an invitation. And—" here he pauses, suddenly a little more uncertain. "Well, Lily has an invitation. She asked me if I was going and I seriously think she looked disappointed when I said I wasn't."

"I highly doubt that," Sirius says.

James shrugs. "Whatever. She's still being nice to me and everything. Y'know, not yelling all the time." He smiles a little. "Probably helps that I'm not being a prat around her."

"She's not going," Sirius finally says.

"What do you mean? 'Course she's going."

"No, she's not." Sirius sighs, and tells James of the Firework Debacle.

"No way," James says, shaking his head. "I don't believe it—Evans would never—"

"She did," Sirius says.

James is quiet for a small moment, before he says, "Oh. All right then." He stares a little longer at his invitation, before finally saying, "Well then, I'm sure as hell not going to this thing."

Sirius winces sympathetically. "Maybe you could show up, throw wine in someone's face and then get kicked out."

James shrugs. "I'll think of something."

\---

It's dinnertime and Sirius is waiting outside the common room. They figured they could trust Slughorn to be out of his office at such a time.

For reasons unknown, he's on edge, as if he's a first-year pulling his first prank. Sirius shakes himself a little, trying to remember that he's a Marauder, that he has scoured every inch of this place at four in the morning, that Filch is just a brainless little—

The portrait opens and Lily climbs out. She looks resolved, but her face is pale.

"Shall we?" Sirius says, giving her a mock bow.

Lily rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless. "Let's just go before someone sees," she says.

"Someone has to see, Evans. That's the whole point."

"Well, not until _after_ ," Lily says, shooting him a look.

They make their way down to Slughorn's office. They enter the room, completely silent and drawn, until Sirius pulls out of his robes two, long, brilliantly red-colored fireworks.

"Ta-da," he says, grinning at them fondly as if they were his beloved sons.

Lily takes a deep breath and tucks her hair behind her ear. "All right," she says. "What do we have to do?"

"It's pretty simple," Sirius says, kneeling down. "This one isn't all that explosive, but it's enough to light the other one. When that's happening, we've got to get out of this office, but we should probably hang around the corridor so Filch'll know it's us."

"Okay," Lily says. She looks around the office. "I guess it's worth not having to go to another one of these stupid parties."

"I wouldn't know, I've never been. He's been trying to get me to go for years."

"I'm a little surprised he invited you," Lily confesses.

"Me too," Sirius says. "But I s'pose he's always held out hope for James and me. Probably why he gave an invitation to James this time arou—"

"He gave an invitation to James?" Lily interrupts him. Sirius turns to look at her.

"Well, yeah."

"So—so James is going?"

"I guess, yeah," Sirius says, shrugging. _Unless he thinks of something._

"But he told me he wasn't."

"Right, well, he got his invitation late. Two hours ago, in fact," Sirius says. "Hey, could you give me a hand with this? Just hold this one up, while I get the other set up."

Lily bends down next to Sirius and holds the firework. She examines it and looks at the other one. Then, finally: "Sirius, maybe we shouldn't do this."

Sirius stops adjusting the wick of the firework and looks at Lily. "Why the hell not?"

"Because—because it's wrong," Lily says. "I mean, I've never done anything like this in my life. I'm—I'm a _Prefect."_

Sirius simply stares at her, firework still in hands. He's not surprised by this; what he is surprised by is his disappointment. For a shining moment, he thought maybe Evans wasn't the uptight Prefect with a rulebook for a brain he always thought. For a fleeting second, he could almost understand why James might like her.

Instead, she's biting her lip and staring at him with unmistakable regret in her eyes.

"Alright," Sirius says, his voice indifferent. "You can go. I won't tell."

"But—but don't you think you should come too?" Lily says hesitantly.

"No," he says, this time not bothering to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"But—wouldn't you want to keep James company?"

Sirius snorts. "James may have gotten an invitation. But he sure as hell will find a way to get out of this thing."

"But—but you said he was going!"

"Well, _currently,_ he's going. But, I mean, if I'm not there, and if self-satisfied pompous gits _are_ there, then he won't be there."

"Oh," Lily says in a small voice. There are a few moments of silence. "You know, I guess I will do it. I gave you my word. It's not fair for me to back out on you."

Sirius looks at her, a little bewildered. "Er, Evans, no offense, but I can easily do this on my own. You don't have to—"

"No," Lily insists. "I said I would and I will. Hand me a firework."

Sirius stares at Lily, who is determinedly avoiding his eye, and whose face is determinedly blushing redder and redder.

As he stares, he hears James' voice saying, " _I seriously think she looked disappointed when I said I wasn't."_

"Evans," he says slowly. "Why does James coming make a difference?"

"It doesn't," Lily says too quickly. "Not even in the slightest. None whatsoever. Why—why do you ask?"

Sirius stares at her, her face still red.

"I gave you my word, Sirius," Lily says. "I am a woman of honor. And I will honor my word, by honorably doing what I said I would when I gave you my word."

"Oh, dear Merlin," Sirius breathes. "You fancy James."

Lily's mouth drops open. " _What_ —what, that is, that is just ridiculous," she says. "I—"

_"_ You fancy James!"

"Don't be daft," Lily says. Her voice contains her usual cheek and confidence, but her eyes are wide with panic. "Why would I fancy him? He's loud and obnoxious and—and—"

"You fancy—"

" _Shut up!_ " Lily says and grabs a firework from him. "Shut up, shut up, shut up. I do NOT fancy—"

"Miss Evans! Mr. Black!"

Both Sirius and Lily's eyes fly up, and in cold dread, they turn around. Sirius practically feels Lily wither beside him.

His mind is blank with something akin to panic. The silence stretches on, as McGonagall stares at them and they stare at McGonagall. _Say something_ , a voice in his head pleads. _Man up and just say anything!_

"Spiffy weather we're having," is what comes out of Sirius' mouth. Both Lily and McGonagall turn and stare at him. Sirius closes his eyes painfully.

"What," Professor McGonagall finally says. "Are you _doing?_ "

"Lighting fireworks," Lily says, before Sirius has a chance to even open his mouth. She holds one up, as if for proof.

Professor McGonagall looks like somebody just named Peter Pettigrew as the next Prime Minister of Magic. Her eyes are so wide that there is a perfect circle of white around her irises.

"Ha!" Sirius says quickly. "She's only kidding, Professor. We're not doing anything of the sort."

"Yes, we _are_." Lily says, glaring at him.

"No, we're _not_ ," Sirius says, equally as fierce. "Because then, we would cause a huge  
catastrophe, and _then_ , we couldn't go to Slughorn's party and perhaps meet other _certain_ people who would _also_ go if, say, we were going."

Lily stares at him.

Professor McGonagall also stares at him. "I'll ask one more time," she says slowly. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" Lily and Sirius say together.

"And why, pray tell, do you have fireworks?"

"I just wanted to show them to Lily," Sirius says immediately.

Professor McGonagall closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "That seems surprising," she says. "Seeing as how I've never gathered anything but a mutual dislike between you two."

Both Sirius and Lily begin sputtering at once.

"—oh, no, nothing of the sort!"

"—you gathered wrong, Professor—"

"—a fine student, I've always said—"

"Enough," Professor McGonagall says, closing her eyes once more. "So, you two, who have fostered a sudden friendship, came down to Professor Slughorn's office to show off fireworks to one another?"

"Er," Sirius says. James is the good liar. He was always shit at it. Lily appears to be even worse. "Yes?"

Professor McGonagall surveys them again; in that span of silence, Sirius feels like he's being eaten alive, spit out, and having his remains poked with those knife-blade eyes of hers.

And then, suddenly, Professor McGonagall almost— _almost_ —smiles. "Mr. Potter will be deeply jealous," she says finally.

Sirius can practically feel the heat radiating from Lily. He realizes he doesn't know if she means James will be jealous of him or jealous of Lily.

With the possible smile still poking at her lips, Professor McGonagall says, "20 points from Gyffindor. For possession of illegal objects. Hand them over, please."

"Gladly," Sirius says, and bounds over and drops them into McGonagall's awaiting arms. "Er—Are we allowed to go then? Professor?" _Dear Merlin, please,_ he begs silently.

Professor McGonagall gives him a look that may have caused lesser men to wet their pants. Sirius, on the other hand, is still able to spout the polite phrases his family drilled into his brain when he was two years old. "Well, then, this has been a pleasure. Hope to see you again at the next family reunion. Evans?"

Lily flashes a rueful, apologetic smile to Professor McGonagall and follows Sirius' right out of the office. Once they're far enough away, she collapses against a stone wall and presses her palm against her forehead. "Dear Merlin," she whispers. "She was ready to _stone_ us."

"Nah," Sirius says. "She just....wants to intimidate young delinquents."

Lily's eyes fly open. "I am _not_ a young delinquent!"

Sirius laughs. "No arguing there." He grins widely at her. "So, Evans. I honestly never suspected you of all people would ever fancy—mmghf!"

"Shut up!" Lily hisses, her hand plastered over his mouth. "Sirius— _please_. Please don't say anything. It's—it's just a passing insanity. It'll be over by next week. _Please_ don't say a word to him."

Sirius considers her, her hand still over his mouth. He grins and makes an "okay" sign with his fingers, touching his thumb to his forefinger. Lily drops her hand.

"I guess that'll have to do," Lily says, sighing again. "Merlin, what a _mess_."

"Oh, it's not so bad," Sirius says grinning. "At least now the three of us can brave the monstrosity that is Slughorn's party together."

At this, a small but brilliant smile spreads across Lily's face. "Yeah," she says. "I'll have nice company to talk to."

Sirius gives a mock gasp. "Did you just refer to James and I as 'nice company'?"

"I told you," Lily says. "Temporary insanity."

Sirius laughs. "Can I ask you something?"

She eyes him warily. "Yes?"

"How long has this, er, temporary insanity been going on?"

As he expected, Lily fidgets uncomfortably. "Not long," she says. "It's—it's stupid, really. It's not like I think—" she stops abruptly, staring at something past Sirius' shoulder. Sirius turns and there—

"Ah, speak of the devil," Sirius says. James reaches them, grinning widely.

"Guess what?" he says to them.

"You found your _History of Magic_ textbook?" Sirius tries.

"God, no, that's been missing for ages."

"You've finally discovered the virtues of combing your hair?" Lily says. Sirius snickers.

"Har har." James says, shooting her a look. "No, I put a giant spider on Slughorn's plate at dinner!" He grins widely and holds up a torn, green invitation. "Ta-da," he says triumphantly.

Sirius and Lily both take a half of the invitation and consider their respective piece for a very long time.

"What?" James says, his smile faltering.

"Oh, fuck it." Lily says, throwing down the invitation. "I give up."

Lily stalks away, and James stares after her, floundering like a fish. He turns back to Sirius and says, "What? What'd I do?"

Sirius closes his eyes and says nothing.

It was an easy proclamation: he _had_ to kill Slughorn.


End file.
